“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” – Nelson Mandela Resentment in a relationship is like stabbing yourself and hoping your enemy will get wounded. And when resentment is left unresolved, the issues get escalated to the point that neither of you can find a way to fix it. So if you have had a bad day at work, and get home tired, talk to your partner about it rather than blaming each other for little things and creating an uncalled fight for it. If your relationship is facing resentment from either side, we have listed some signs and causes for you to understand and analyze the situation better. Keep reading.
What Is Resentment?
Resentment is the harboring of ill-will or anger against someone who you feel has wronged or hurt you in the past, and you couldn’t stop it (1). It often occurs in couples when one or both the partners feel hurt or offended by the other and think that their actions were deliberate. The first step to solving any problem is the recognition of the problem. Resentment in a marriage has several red flags, which you can identify if you look for them.
What Are The Signs Of Resentment In A Relationship?
Below are some of the most usual signs of resentment (2).
1. You feel your partner is not listening to you.
You perceive that your partner is repeating their mistakes in spite of you telling them or they are ignoring everything you say. You feel you are an invisible entity. That pool of hurt and anger keeps rising in you.
2. You quarrel on the same issue every time.
And the discussion diverts from the real question to other non-issues leading to the actual problem remaining unresolved. The more you fight about the same issue, the higher the tension between you. It turns into a vicious, nasty cycle.
3. You find faults with each other.
You want to mend fences with your partner, but end up fixating on their mistakes too often. The incidents might have been small or unintentional, but they continuously come up. Be it forgetting to switch off the geyser or standing you up on a scheduled date, you feel your partner can do nothing right. The dissatisfaction builds up into resentment over time.
4. One of you is passive–aggressive.
Resentment builds up when couples avoid confronting each other over the actual problems and avoid dealing with the issue. Instead of voicing out your concerns, you become passive-aggressive, sarcastic, and vengeful. Though this helps release your pent-up frustration, it only confuses and angers your partner and does nothing to resolve the actual problem.
5. You withhold intimacy or affection.
When resentment creeps in, your partner’s value in your eyes reduces drastically. The spark gets lost, the attraction dwindles, and you intentionally or unintentionally avoid your partner to put off a confrontation. This loss of physical contact is a big red flag.
6. You are hopeless about the situation.
Harboring resentment towards your partner can make you feel hopeless about the situation. You might think that there is no feasible solution and you would always be trapped in this situation no matter what you do. This situation can take a toll on the significant things to you. You might develop reluctance in celebrating milestones like anniversaries, promotions, etc.
7. You get detached from the relationship.
This happens over time. Hence it might be difficult to spot. To avoid conflicts with your partner, you start withdrawing from your relationship. Your availability for the relationship reduces drastically. Some psychologists say it is healthy to take a short break as it allows you time to introspect and reflect on what’s happening. Once you have recognized that a certain amount of resentment has developed in your relationship, you might want to do a root-cause analysis.
What Causes Resentment In Relationships?
Why did the resentment build up in the first place? The following are the usual causes of resentment between couples (3). It is important to know where resentment can lead your relationship to.
What Are The Consequences Of Resentment In Marriage?
Often termed the “cancer” of relationships, resentment eats away at the core of any relationship; eroding its trust, reliability, affection, and commitment. If left unresolved, resentment over the course of time leads to the following consequences. Dealing with resentment in relationships and reducing it would take a lot of time, effort, and patience on your part. But remember that it is not impossible. Empathy is your primary key to removing the thorns of resentment from your relationship.
How To Deal With Resentment?
Below are some ways to deal with the rising resentment in you and your partner (4).
