“And things don’t change in a marriage until the spouse who is taking responsibility for a problem that is not hers decides to say or do something about it.”―Henry Cloud, Boundaries in Marriage It is so important to maintain some healthy boundaries in marriage. Time and space are the two essentials of keeping a couple sane, especially when they have to spend years together. Closeness is not a vice, but the distance does make the heart grow fonder. It does not mean you cut off from your partner or start ignoring them and get back to usual after a week. But allowing each other some “me time” is essential as it gives the space to pursue a hobby or spend time the way they like to. It will also make them feel more comfortable and at ease with themselves, as doing things their way will increase their worth in their own eyes. Also, having some rules and limitations for each other brings the best in you and keeps you away from interfering. So here are some ways to define these healthy boundaries to keep your relationship intact. Also, read on to learn why boundaries are important for every bond.
What Is A Boundary?
Boundary is that line or limit which partners set to protect their marriage, and prevent themselves from exploitation and manipulation. Boundaries enable you to draw a line between you and your spouse and allocate ownership and responsibility between you two.
Why Are Boundaries Important?
For a relationship to be successful and healthy, you need to be happy with yourself before making your spouse happy. Boundaries help you achieve that and more, they:
make you take responsibility for your actions instead of blaming it on your spouse.
help resolve conflicts and prevent you and your partner from being hurt.
give you the power to change things for good as you are in control of your actions.
help you strike a balance between yours and your spouse’s priorities.
All couples go through conflicts in their lives. Some lack intimacy despite having no real problems, while some others sacrifice and yet are not happy in their relationship, some partners don’t take up responsibility, and some cheat on their spouse. The problems may be different, but the confusion, pain, and ambiguity are the same. Boundaries prevent many such problems, and play a vital role in a marriage in the following ways: Limits are required in every relationship we have. So, what are the specific boundaries you need in a marriage?
Boundaries Every Marriage Needs
Some boundaries are there for people to see, some need to be felt. Some come into force automatically, without any discussion, while for some you need to discuss and decide. Let’s see the emotional and physical limits that a marriage should have:
Emotional Boundaries in Marriage:
Physical Boundaries:
Boundaries are more about you than your partner. You need to know where and why to draw a line, so that you don’t have to spend too much energy in following the rules.
Setting Boundaries For Yourself
Before you announce your partner’s limits, set an example by coming up with boundaries for yourself. This will encourage your spouse to follow suit. Here is a step-by-step guide on how to set boundaries in a marriage:
Identify your feelings and accept them: The first step in building boundaries is to know and understand your feelings. You may get caught in your spouse’s emotions and feelings, and tend to overlook yours. Recognize and understand what is making you feel bad or depleted in the marriage. Take the time out and introspect.
Analyze if boundaries have been broken: Once you know your feelings, understand what is making you feel that way. For example, your spouse is coming home late regularly, criticizing you repeatedly, or you are yelling at your partner, annoyed at him/ her that they are not doing things your way, and so on.
Determine how to set your boundary: Once you know the cause(s) for your hard feelings, setting boundaries becomes easy. For example, if your spouse is coming home late every day, you can tell them, “I am not going to wait for you, the food will be in the refrigerator, and you can heat and eat it”. If they are criticizing you always, you can simply walk away and ignore.
And if you feel you are yelling at your spouse for everything, then set a boundary that you will not shout, but wait until your anger subsides. If you are annoyed because your partner is not doing things your way, then set a boundary that you will not be bothered about it unless it is harmful to your partner/ you or your relationship.
Communicate your boundary: Convey your boundaries to your spouse. There would be a certain amount of resistance and conflict, but explain the things in detail so that your spouse will see reason in your decision.
Stick to your boundaries: After you define the boundaries, you need to stick to them to make the boundaries work. Don’t leave any margin for the other person to overstep boundaries. If you are deviating the limits, then take a break, relax, meditate, or do whatever you can to put yourself back on track.
Boundaries act like lifeboats during the uncertain tides of marriage. Nevertheless, there are many misconceptions surrounding them. Let’s see what they are.
Misconceptions About Boundaries
Boundaries in relationships are often misunderstood and misread. Here are a few common misconceptions:
People who set boundaries are labeled as selfish and rigid.
People setting boundaries are perceived as controllers who try to restrict their partners’ freedom.
Boundaries dictate your spouse what to do and not to do.
The boundary of self-protection is perceived as a punishment for the other. For example, when the husband spends extravagantly in spite of being told several times, then the wife chooses to have a separate bank account. Choosing to have a bank account is not an act of punishment for the husband.
In any relationship you cannot expect the other person to behave the way you want them to. You can only request for a change in their behavior and having boundaries does not mean that you demand a behavior change from your partner. Therefore, you need to explain your spouse about the need to have boundaries to avoid any conflicts.
Resolving Conflicts With A Resistant Spouse
You may have set some boundaries for yourself. But your spouse may not be eager to follow you, or they may not want to be bound by your boundaries as they feel restricted and trapped. Here are ways to deal with your spouse, if they are resisting the boundaries:
Consult your partner before you decide on the boundaries.
Give your spouse the freedom to say “no”.
Admit if you are wrong.
Respect your spouse’s space.
Give them the time to come to terms with the boundaries.
Refrain from withdrawing from your spouse, attacking, or making him/her feel guilty.
Take feedback from your spouse when you cross boundaries.
Sticking to boundaries involves a lot of work. Hence, it can be challenging and unpleasant. Nevertheless, boundaries enhance your relationship and make your marriage last a lifetime. Let’s look at some examples of boundaries in marriage.
Examples Of Boundaries
Boundaries nurture and strengthen the marriage. Here are some examples of areas where you can set boundaries in your marriage:
1. Be articulate and expressive in your communication:
The tone and language in a relationship should be sweet and mellow. Be strict against your spouse who is loud or rude to you. Tell them that, “If you criticize me any further, I’m not willing to discuss anything with you.”
2. Be open and honest:
Your co-worker is attracted to you, be open and honest and share it with your spouse. Before that, be straight with your colleague and tell them that you won’t get involved with them because you are committed to your partner. Do not hide the truth from your spouse.
3. Cause and effect:
If your spouse drinks everyday then you can say, “I love you, but I’m not ready to take care of you if you fall sick.” You could keep a tab on your spouse’s overspending. For instance, “I’m sorry; I won’t be lending you my credit card until you pay the previous outstanding credit card bill.”
4. Emotional disconnect:
Emotional connection is important in a marriage. There could be times when the partners do not make any efforts to change their hurtful behavior and fail to re-establish the emotional connection. For instance, when the wife is upset about something, the husband fails to notice this. He goes about his work as he finds no difference or change in his wife’s behavior. The wife obviously gets more upset. This could be avoided if both the partners could understand each other well and gauge each other’s emotions.
