Passive aggressive behavior has a deep impact on your mental health. A passive aggressive husband can be manipulative and toxic for you. Your husband may not realize it, but the truth is that he is damaging the relationship that you both have built over the years. Initially, it may take some time to understand how badly it affects you or the relationship, but soon you would reach a phase where you just can’t take it anymore. In this post, we discuss passive aggressive behavior and how to deal with it in detail. Read on to learn more.
What Is Passive Aggressiveness?
Passive-aggressiveness is a behavior where people tend to avoid direct conflict and express their anger indirectly through sulking, procrastination, withdrawal, stubbornness, controlling, and sabotaging tasks (1). They are driven by the belief that displaying anger will show the other person they are hurt or enact a form of revenge. This behavior pattern gradually destroys the relationship. On the outside, a PA person may seem friendly, polite, and kind but underneath they are hurt and feel disrespected. It is indirect and implicit and can be difficult to identify but not impossible. All you have to do is look for some signs. Note: The signs, behavior and other information mentioned in this post are applicable to a passive-aggressive wife as well.
Signs of A Passive-aggressive Husband
A passive aggressive husband is passive on the outside and aggressive inside. Remember, these traits surface or the husband might behave this way if he is hurt with the behavior of the wife or her attitude but is unable to express it in any other way. The behavior traits of a passive-aggressive husband are (2): It’s frustrating and uncomfortable living with a passive-aggressive husband because it is next to impossible to figure out what makes him behave that way.
What Causes Passive-aggression?
Passive aggression is a learned behavior that can be traced to one’s childhood (3). Family dynamics can contribute to passive-aggressive behavior. The child copes with it by using defense mechanism to protect himself from the underlying feelings of rejection, fear, insecurity, mistrust, and low self-esteem. As they cannot express things openly they do it subtly by being passive-aggressive. Let’s look at the causes of passive-aggressive behavior in detail (4): For example, if a child has been punished or scolded repeatedly for expressing his disinterest or feelings, then the child tends to believe that expressing his anger is not alright. So he conforms to the parents’ wishes to be ‘good’. When this pattern is repeated, the child succumbs to pressure and learns to suppress his anger and becomes adept at being passive-aggressive. As a person at the receiving end, you would be frustrated with your husband’s reactions, and confused about your course of action.
How To Face A Passive-aggressive Husband?
When you discuss it, your husband might either deny it or blame you for that. Here’s what you can do (3):
Try to help your husband talk about his emotions. His PA behavior might usually be a reaction to your assertiveness. In that case, model your assertiveness and emotional safety through healthy conflict that is successful.
Be clear when confronting. Do not make generic statements such as, “you are always like this”. If there is something specific you don’t like, such as forgetting his tasks, then tell him about it.
Be assertive. Your husband might not like you to be so. But you need to be assertive yet neutral and respectful in your communication. Consider your spouse’s feelings and opinions and be accommodative; aim at resolving the problem.
Don’t blame or judge. Simply tell him what you don’t like about him. For example, “I don’t like when the TV is not put off before going to sleep, or I don’t like the yard to be left unclean after watering the plants.” Do not dig the past and rake up the bygone issues.
Set boundaries. You need to have strict boundaries with consequences for a PA husband. For example, “I am not going to open the door if you drink and come home, or “I am not going to tolerate if you mistreat me.” Set such boundaries that will make a difference to him lest he ignores those too.
Understand the underlying reason for his behavior. Passive-aggressive people are not bad. It is just that they don’t know how to deal with their emotions and cannot express them. They assume that others understand their emotions, needs, and wants.
Take responsibility for your behavior. There could be instances where your behavior could elicit a PA reaction from your spouse. So, understand the dynamics that are causing that and change your behavior.
A relationship with a passive-aggressive husband is challenging. You need to have a lot of patience and strength to deal with him.
How To Manage Passive–Aggressiveness In Your Husband?
You could be frustrated, angry, annoyed, and hurt by your husband’s attitude. But nothing can be achieved by being impulsive. So, put all your negative emotions on the back-burner and deal with him with a cool mind. a. Too many excuses b. Deliberate inefficiency c. Silent treatment d. Closing conversations abruptly with ‘fine’ or ‘whatever’ e. They withhold things that are important
